Newsletter – April 3, 2026
The other day I subbed at the Jr/Sr High School where I got to supervise the Junior High Gym during one of the lunch periods. As I watched the players vying for position, passing, and shooting their hearts out even without keeping score, I couldn’t help but think about the theatricality of the sport and I made a list of their most dramatic moments.
Once a theatre director, always a theatre director.
I’m open!—This full body plea for attention includes jumping up and down and waving your arms vigorously like you’re directing the pilot of a biplane where to land on a foggy runway. Yelling the name of the teammate with the ball repeatedly is also important.
I didn’t touch it!—If the ball is headed out of bounds, you want to make it clear that you didn’t touch it last. This move requires you to fake rigor mortis while performing a hands-up-don’t-shoot posture.
Setting the block.—When your teammate has the ball and needs to escape an opponent, you can stand stock still just a few inches away so they can dribble around you and leave the opponent unable to pursue. Using the same move in the aisle of a supermarket, however, might get you ejected from the store. Basketball is more forgiving.
What’s over there?—Any good magician will tell you that the trick is to make the audience focus on one hand while the other hand pockets the handkerchief, or playing card. If you have the ball and intend to pass it, your defender will try to block the pass in the direction that you just looked. When you make a successful fake, you can then pass it the other direction without interference. In theatre and film this is called the who’s-that-behind-the-curtain look and it just might save your character’s life!
The “I’m okay” limp—Among the unwritten laws of athletics is the obligation to play through your pain even to the point of permanent damage. However—and this is important—you never want to be perceived as failing to suffer for the game. Getting up from the floor and limping for six or seven steps can fulfill both of these expectations. Then you can return to the business of running around the court like a mad man.
Selling the foul.—At the other end of the spectrum from the “I’m okay” limp is the task of making sure everyone, especially the referee, sees that your opponent fouled you egregiously. Gotta earn those two free-throw shots, they’re not participation awards! If you’re gymnastically trained, a quick move by your opponent is an opportunity to tuck-and-roll for all your worth, making sure you finish flat on the floor, not leaping up victoriously as you did in gymnastics. If you don’t have that training, remember that the butt of your basketball shorts were made with fabric that will glide two or three yards across the polished floorboards while you mask your face with shock and disgust that anyone could use such unsportsmanlike tactics.
Modest scoring—No one likes a big ego, so when you score a nothing-but-net basket from outside the three point line, don’t show your excitement. Your inner child may be jumping up and down like a chimpanzee on crack, but you must adopt a too-cool-for-school expression. Everyone’s looking at you, and your face must say, “Yeah, I meant to do that.”
The agony of failure—The opposite of modest scoring is the trauma of failing to score. As an athlete and a team member, you have a duty to suffer deeply when you fail to make a shot. Not feeling it? Then fake it! Try screwing up your face and huffing like you’re about to cry but fighting it. (Also referred to as the Kyle Rittenhouse maneuver.) You may also throw yourself bodily onto the floor and pound the court with your fists. You might want to save that last move for the day when you fail to score the winning point that cost your team the game. They will expect no less.
This newsletter will be posted before the end of March Madness, so I encourage you to watch the game with your bingo cards ready to give due credit to the actors…um, athletes… on the boards.
TTFN
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Eric Margerum 